


Day #23: Should/Shouldn’t

by Accal1a



Series: December Nickels Insanity [23]
Category: Cut & Run - Madeleine Urban & Abigail Roux, Sidewinder Series - Abigail Roux
Genre: Gen, Introspection, Pre-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-07 13:52:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16855198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Accal1a/pseuds/Accal1a
Summary: Kelly thinks about his decision to leave Sidewinder.





	Day #23: Should/Shouldn’t

The day dawned like every other one in the last 365 days.

The forest was alive with sounds. The wind blew through the trees, animals chittered and birds cawed. It was quiet and serene.

When Kelly awoke, he awoke with a heavy feeling in his chest and he couldn't immediately identify the cause. It felt like there was a weight inside him, making it difficult to breathe. He sat up carefully, assessing his body for damage systematically, in the way he always had when treating patients.

He gasped in a breath as the word 'patients' stuck in his head. That's what his subconscious had been trying to tell him, this was why he felt like he might be sick, like his chest was collapsing. His patients. _His brothers_. 

It had been a whole year. 

A whole year had passed since he'd put down roots here, since he had bought this parcel of land, since he had started to build with his bare hands, since he traded blood for timber and built a life here…since he had said goodbye. 

He moved his legs to the floor, the cool boards beneath him reminding him how difficult it had been that first winter, when he'd had barely any heat and the roof had leaked; but the cool boards gave him clarity too, gave him something tangible to focus on rather than the gnawing ache in his chest which seemed to be getting worse, not better, as the minutes wore on.

Leaning his elbows on his knees, he ran his hands through his too long hair, tugging slightly in an effort to stop the thoughts that were tumbling through his mind. _Should he have stayed?_

It wasn't a new thought, he'd thought it many times over the last year, but normally in a fleeting fashion, safe in the knowledge that they all needed to scatter eventually and just because he was the first didn't mean he'd broken the group.

Today though, on the anniversary, he couldn't stop the thought from properly taking root. It followed him as he went through his morning yoga; it stalked him as he cooked food; it sat with him when he attempted to eat the food, food that seemed to turn to ash in his mouth; it distracted him when he tried to read a book.

It dogged him in every way throughout every single thing he attempted to do until he felt he may explode from the guilt of it. 

As late afternoon tuned into evening, he opened his phone to stare down at the scant few contacts in it. He opened the number for Nick and sat staring at it for long moments before he pressed 'Send'. A mere second later, before the call could connect and show a tell-tale missed call on Nick's own phone, Kelly disconnected it.

If he was Nick, he wouldn't want to hear from him on today of all days.

So he sat alone in his darkening cabin and stared at his phone. The walls of the cabin seemed to close in around him, built with his own guilt and asking him the same question over and over again. 

_Should he have left?_

Today of all days, Kelly knew the answer. _No. He shouldn't have._

**Author's Note:**

> Come and visit the [Cut & Run Discord Server](https://discord.gg/vvy6c76) and join us as we discuss/scream about this awesome series.


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